A letter from Petunia Harris, UKIP MP//

Dear constituent,

I often sit in the bay window of my glorious constituency home, typing letters and whatnot on my Olivetti typewriter for it to be then further transcribed by my assistant. It’s at these times I do a lot of contemplation and thinking. How I, Petunia Harris, UKIP Member of Parliament for Bitter End, can one day walk through the doors of 10 Downing Street and how I can further the divides put in place by the Brexit vote. A 147% increase in LGBT-related assaults is just the beginning, my dears.

Several months ago when I was a younger, fresher rosebud, I was asked to speak at Let’s Talk About Gay Sex and Drugs. Why exactly, I’m not sure, as I know nothing about gay sex or drugs. The topic of “chem-sex” isn’t really my cup of G. Anyhow, there I was in the basement of Ku Bar tucked away like one of the Fritzl children ready to speak in front of ‘The Gays’.

They say that laughter is the best medicine. They’re wrong. Homophobia is. And as a UKIP representative I know a lot about homophobia, mainly because I am excellent at it. I grew up in quite a homophobic part of Yorkshire. Called Yorkshire. So on that basis, let me make it crystal clear; and I shouldn’t really say ‘crystal’ on this website given some of the subject matter. However, constiuents, I am a homophobe. To be quite honest I don’t like The Gays one bit. I don’t like drag queens, I don’t like lesbians. I don’t even like saying the word ‘lesbian’. It leaves a rather nasty taste in my mouth.

Because of that, most of you would be very quick to call me or any UKIP politician or anyone who shares the same views a ‘bigot’ or some other crass expletive. But what you don’t realise is that we have more in common than you care to admit. It’s true.

‘No blacks, no fems, no Asians, ‘straight-acting’.

That isn’t a UKIP campaign slogan. That is a slogan that has been created and normalised and is used without second thought by The Gays in the gay community.

Internalised homophobia. “Straight-acting”. That’s what I want to write about, because you lot are bloody good at being homophobes. You really are. Probably better than me at times.

I’m going to broadly generalise here, so please excuse me and hopefully my point will shine through. Gay men hate camp men.

Now I’ve heard about this app called ‘Grindr’. From what I gather It’s sort of like an Argos catalogue of the most hideous people in the local area. But you love to go on it and declare to your fellow gays ‘No camps. Straight-acting only. No rice. No spice. No chocolate.’.  Most people would be horrified at such remarks, but as the UKIP Member of Parliament for Bitter End, I personally think it is fabulously unpleasant.

If I was, I don’t know, a 21 year old left-leaning homosexual male from a provincial mining town in West Yorkshire I would think that is a disgrace. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Your prejudice is not a preference.

Being “straight-acting,” for a gay man at least, is directly related to how convincingly he is able to present traditionally masculine mannerisms. For example, spreading your legs apart rather than spreading your cheeks. Watching the football rather than Lady Gaga’s Monster Ball. Masc 4 masc rather than masc 4 mascara. That sort of thing. The term is so offensive because it’s very existence insists that there is a particular, instantly identifiable manner of being gay, which is being camp.

What’s more, those qualities are seen as unattractive and utterly undesirable. On the contrary, masculinity and ‘straight-acting’ is seen as desirable and extremely attractive. I mean look at Nigel Farage for example. He oozes raw masculinity, and I’m sure you’ll agree it’s his raw masculinity I want oozing all over me!

I’ll write it again. Your prejudice is not a preference.

On the contrary, and I am playing Devil’s Advocate here. I do understand why people in the gay community are homophobic. It would be miraculous if the gay community weren’t a little bit homophobic. You have been told from the moment you stretched out your mother’s tuppy and burst into the world that you will settle down with a nice wife, with nice children, and do a nice masculine job as a plumber or a soldier. So it’s no surprise that gay men reject individuals who reject “straight-acting”. Reject men who are ‘camp’. Because campness isn’t heteronormative and heteronormative is what some gay men aspire to be.

The bottom line is that you shouldn’t have to choose between living as exactly who you are and death (figuratively or literally) because our society says in order for you to be worthy and valuable you have to “act straight.” Too many gays have bought into this lie for much too long.

And you certainly shouldn’t be sold out by your own kind, no matter how good their intentions may be. You haven’t fought as hard as you have to ensure that once gays gain more rights and influence in society they turn around pander to the very people who oppressed you in the first place.

There’s much hypocrisy in demanding that the world be open minded and accept you for being a poof while simultaneously rejecting another poof for not being ‘masc’ enough.

If I was a 21 year old left-leaning homosexual from a small provincial mining town in West Yorkshire I would think that you all need to stop with this internalised homophobia and you need to stop with the racism.

would think that your prejudice is not a preference.

But I’m not a 21 year old left-leaning homosexual from a small provincial mining town in West Yorkshire. I am a 63 year old fashion icon, superbitch and UKIP Member of Parliament for Bitter End who truly believes that gays cause floods. So by all means carry on with your ‘no blacks, no asians, no fems’ shtick because the more you do that, the more it validates views like the ones held by me and my party.


Petunia Harris is the UKIP Member of Parliament for Bitter End constituency, a prolific fashion icon, a committed men’s rights activist and former gay conversion therapist. She tweets at @UKIPMP.